eat.write.breathe.

A number of years ago, I “attended” an online writer’s conference (www.themuseonlinewritersconference.com). I say “attended” in quotes for a reason: I did it half-heartedly. Why do it all if you are going to do it half-heartedly, you might ask. I ask myself that too. It’s similar to my attitude with exercise and diet, I suppose: if I at least try, then I can say I tried, which is better than never having tried at all. Okay, that may be pushing it. You see, I didn’t go into the week-long conference planning on dropping out after a few days. To be honest, I didn’t really plan on doing it to begin with either. Let me clarify: I found out about the conference about two weeks prior to the start of it. I had just moved half way across the country, started a new job, and basically goaded myself into attending. How hard could it be? It’s free! It’s online so I don’t have to travel! It’ll give me a push to finally do something towards writing! No problem.
Famous Last Words
At first, it seemed as if it would be easy to attend around my work schedule. I thought I could read the forums in the morning before work so I knew what the assignments would be and then work on them during my breaks throughout the day. I could post everything at night and catch up on things I hadn’t finished during the day. Being the overachiever and newbie, I figured 8 workshops would be easy. Others that were planning on attending talked about taking the week off from work and I laughed at the idea. It was online – no big deal. So, I didn’t make a plan for dinners or what would happen if the proverbial fire popped up at work.
How It Really Worked
Day 1: A quick look that morning at the workshops I had signed up for and my planner filled up with ideas. I had a break at noon for an hour, so I wrote more. That night, after dinner and conversation with the girl about how her day was, we both got down to business – she with homework, me with perusing the forums. I had this…
Day 2: I woke up late because I stayed up too long the night before reading the forums, so no reading assignments that morning. At lunch, my customer called a mandatory meeting. Uh oh. Got home at 7p to a starving child and the question of whether I was abandoning her. Double uh-oh. After she went to bed, I read the forums and realized I had a number of things I was now behind on. I needed a glass of wine, which in retrospect wasn’t a good idea because it made me sleepy. Very sleepy.
Day 3: Woke up late again?! This is troublesome. No time for lunch because the boss needed me to rework a budget. I sense this is an attempt to test my abilities so I don’t take a break for the rest of the afternoon. After a 12-hour day at work, I couldn’t turn down the girl’s request for a dinner out. Who wanted to cook at this point? Bring on the margaritas and solitaire!
You get the point…
When I finally went back to look at the forums on Day 6 (Saturday), I was depressed. I realized I should have planned better. This was a free resource and I could have learned a lot. I also could have used the ongoing camaraderie with other like-minded individuals to help keep me going from that point on.
In the years since that first attempt, there have been numerous tries. I won’t bore you with the details about my continued failures but needless to say, I haven’t done well. The only thing I think I’ve gained from this yearly attempt is the knowledge that the conference continues to grow every year and it’s still free. It also sets a starting point for when I need to start prepping for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month)…which is a whole other blog post.
Keep Writing
I’ve spent the last few months going through old journals and conference notes, re-reading books and articles on writing, and perusing various blog sites on how others focus/write/publish. While I know this is helpful in some ways, doing this has also given me a sense of procrastination and I realize I’m not producing anything. I know I have a lot to say by the number of entries in my journals and on my computer, but I don’t seem to have a lot of follow through. It frustrates me and yet, I continue to stall. I told my husband last night something that I had once shared at this conference: “If I don’t write, everyone will think I can. If I do write, then no one will think I can.” His answer? Keep writing. I love that simple viewpoint and his faith in me. However, I’m overwhelmed and almost paralyzed with fear. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way. And then I realize the answer to that is yes. It’s why there are numerous books on the subject and why therapists are in such high demand.
To paraphrase Yoda, “There is no try…only do.”
In that first conference that I attended, one of the workshops was about finding the muse within us (something I could certainly use more help in doing). The assignments seemed simple – the presenter posted a question and you were to provide a short answer response. Easy, right? My first assignment was to answer this question: When diving into writing, am I eager or overwhelmed? But the real question underneath that was “Why Do I Write”?
I ask myself this a lot, especially lately…What do I like about writing? What do I think I can contribute that no one else has? Why do I continue to want to write when I seemingly produce nothing? It’s the last one that gets me the most. My answer to the question posed during the workshop was this:
“Diving in is overwhelming. After 100’s of How To books (or so it seems), I keep thinking, “What if I do it wrong?” The problem is I don’t hardly do it at all. I’ve never just jumped in the deep end of the pool because it’s too cold. I usually take baby steps. I think that uncertainty is bringing feelings of being overwhelmed up to the surface. I’m tired of baby steps though.
Why do I write? I’m sure I could say “because I have to” or “to become famous” or even “because I love books”. These are all true in a sense. But why? Something inside me just keeps steering me towards this path. In my dreams. In my day to day work. And even in periods of quiet and solitude. I turn to writing as a way to cope, a way to express without repercussions, and a desire to better myself. Sharing a small part of me with the world.”
Diving In
I’m still working on diving in but I’m eager to write, which is why for the sixth year, I’ve signed up for the conference again. Things are different this year: I’m not working so my days are mostly free to focus on the workshops, I have a lot of ideas and better sense of direction on where I want to go with my writing, and I have an incredible support system. I’m excited to do this…nervous, but excited. If anyone has advice or tips on how to get the most out of this conference, please share. I’d love to hear from you.